FROM THE ARCHIVES: 2004
‘Twas the night after Christmas, and all through the house. Not a creature was stirring, except for Wolfe’s Mouse; The stockings were empty and tossed the without care, In hopes that Nicoli would lay in his lair;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of Xbox danced in their heads, And InnerRainbow in her ‘nighie, and I in my buff, Had just settled down, Christmas had been tough, When out on the yard there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the futon to see what was the matter.
Away to the back door I flew like the Flash, Tore open the closet and grabbed something to bash. The moonlight on the grass of new-fallen rain Gave the illusion of spring and I was not sane.
When, what to my bloodshot eyes should appear, But a huge ‘coon, and three of her dears, With a little golf driver, so lively and quick, I knew in a moment it must be that prick.
More rapid than eagles my curses they came, And I shouted, and shouted, and called them some names; “Oh, Dammit! and, Dang! you Prick”, I was bitchen. “Oh Curses! your Stupid! Get away from the kitchen!” “To the top of the fence! to the end of the yard!” “Now go away! go away! go away barred!”
As the ‘coons that before the wild fury fly, they met with a tree, and climbed to the sky, So up to the house-top the ‘coons they did flew, With the mouths full of crumbs, and some other stuff too.
And then, while I twinkled, I heard in the ceiling The prancing and pawing, and each of each them squealing. As I drew in my thing, and was turning around, Down the chimney the thieves came with a bound.
They were dressed all in fur, from their head to their feet, And their furs were all tarnished with ashes folded like pleat; With a mask of dark fur they had hid their ID’s, They looked like panhandlers begging for feed.
Their eyes — how they twinkled! They acted so perky! It was then that I knew they wanted leftover Turkey! And I laughed when I saw this, in spite of myself; I had been bad, I had not been an E.L.F. With a wink of my eye and a toss of a plate, Soon gave them enough not to risk fate .
They spoke not a word, but went straight to the creek, With filled stomachs of bird; they left no longer so bleak, And I thought to myself, as they walked out of sight, “Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night.” – Wolfe December 25, 2004